Pete Clayton: Illustrating, Masculinity & My Mental Health
I’ve thought long and hard over the years about myself and what it is to be a man especially with all my mental health struggles which began in my late 20’s. I used to care and thought that to be a man you had to have superhero strength and be stoic in the face of emotions.
As I’ve come to terms with my mental health I have realised that real strength comes from expression of feelings and not bottling things up. From asking for help and admitting that at times I’m not always OK. Illustration has been a great expression for me dealing with these feelings. Some people journal but I draw to make sense of the world – inner and outer.
Society's Man Box
The Man Box concept came from research by Paul Kivel and the Oakland Men’s Project in the 1980s. The idea of the box for me are the trappings of societal norms for men. Men must be tough, in control, must be dominant and competitive where showing vulnerability is weak and asking for help is deemed unmanly. The personal impact of this concept on me from these so called norms had in the past left me trapped by what was expected of me and what I expected of myself. That was of course to “man up”. In my early 20’s I even went to the gym to get big like Thor and become more manly. This seems like a ridiculous idea looking back some twenty years on. Who even was I? I think I was struggling with my self image and as I would find out later also struggling with my thoughts and feelings.
Thank You for the Feelings
It’s weird to say but I’m thankful for my mental health condition. I was diagnosed with being schizoeffective in my early 30’s. I’m ok though if you’re wondering. The reason why I am thankful is because I got in touch with my real self and got to know myself better. Though scary at times, I learned to love my quirky feelings and to be more open about them and in turn has made me more empathetic and conscientious. I love that about myself.
To be honest, I’ve had internal turmoil since I was a child but what I’ve also been doing, man and boy, is drawing. Reflecting back as a child, drawing was more about escapism. As a grown, middle aged man in my early forties, drawing is about helping get my thoughts and feelings out. No good bottling things up… it took a while for me to learn that.
Illustrated Positive Vibes
Some of the most cathartic work I’ve ever undertaken was within my series, 30 Days of Illustrated Positive Vibes which was born out of the breakdown of my marriage some 5 years ago. Here I used illustration and typographic messaging as an outlet to express my inner feelings and find some peace in the topsy-turvy situation I was in. I am by no means a self-help guru. All those notions and visual anecdotes were completely unsolicited. It didn’t matter though. It was therapy for me and I didn’t care really if people didn’t get it or thought it was a bit weak or unmanly. By doing that series I put a massive flag in the sand for myself. The series says to me: Pete, this is you, don’t hide away and don’t be afraid to act like you care.
Empowered all the Way
I’m not scared anymore to express myself and be vulnerable. Vulnerable isn’t the right word. Empowered is better! Empowered with my trusty sword (pencil) by my side, to be open, to be real and to allow myself to feel. This feels like the greatest strength of all. I’m still on a journey with myself. But with the medium of illustration, this creative avenue of expression continues to be a part, and will always be a part of my mental healing and my definition of self. Be that definition, as a man in today's society or as a human, I’ll continue to use my art to grow so I can be a better version of myself.
